Feelings About the Gateway Drug

So when I started this endeavor, I actually kind of wanted to get clomiphene from the beginning – it made sense to me to increase the chances of conception from the very start, and thus save time and money in the long run. I am assuming they didn’t do that because of the risks of adverse events – you don’t really want to take ANY drug, if you can possibly help it. I.e. the benefit:risk ratio did not make it worthwhile.

Therefore, when I first spoke to the nurse (before she talked to the doctor), I was still in that mindset, and was cool with the thought of going on clomiphene – it was what I wanted all along, after all. HOWEVER, when the other nurse rang me back, to say that I was definitely going to go on it, I started feeling weird.

It took me a while to figure out why – I was at work, and didn’t have time to think about it. When I emailed my parents to tell them the news, and mentioned that I was feeling weird, my father suggested that this might be because it means that I ‘need’ drugs and that there is now officially ‘something wrong with me’ (I am paraphrasing here – the scarequotes are not what he said, but more to indicate that the quoted phrases are not entirely accurate).

When I got home and had time to think, I realised that this was very likely to be the case – I wanted the clomiphene when I thought I was perfectly fertile without it, and assumed it would provide an extra, unnatural, boost to my fertility, which would be great. And now there is an actual REASON for me to get it (even though I may not actually experience another anovulatory cycle, and it may well just boost my natural fertility, as I originally thought), implying there is something wrong with me and I might be a barren spinster who will become old and bitter and alone. Or something.

And the realization that this was the reason that I felt weird actually made the weird feeling go away, and now I am super pumped and excited to get started on the clomiphene cycle! And now there is that pesky waiting for my period. One interesting thing that has come of this endeavor – I am now looking forward to and WANTING my period to arrive (this time, anyway), so I can get going.

And I am not terribly worried about what will happen if I have twins (what with the increased chance caused by clomiphene AND the increased chance caused by being OLD) – I know I would handle it with style and grace (lol). And I have kind of always wanted twins – I always envied the ones I knew for their closeness, and would love my children to have the same. Yes, I know there is an increased health risk involved with having multiples AND with being aged, so the two together add up, but I am choosing optimism.

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