My Uterus is a Barren Wasteland

This was the first negative blood test that really got to me. I had a good cry after the nurse rang this afternoon (luckily I was working from home in anticipation of either outcome), and am still feeling pretty shit.

You see, this was the first cycle where my period had not started by the day of the blood test, so I was holding out actual hope that, despite the spotting I was experiencing, I was actually pregnant this time. But no.

I also truly felt different this time from the other tries – I was feeling as though I was pregnant with a chance that I was not, as opposed to feeling not pregnant with a chance that I was. And I had many weird things that could have been symptoms, but I guess were just me paying extreme attention to my body. I had even checked what star sign the baby would be (Gemini) if I was pregnant this time.

So yeah. Gutting. At least I won’t be sitting alone tonight being depressed – My oldest friend is coming over to hang.

So the nurse (who was very kind and lovely on the phone) said that the doctor was “happy” with how the last cycle went, and he wants me to do another clomiphene cycle – and then go see him after that to decide on the next step – I asked what that would likely be and she said it would most likely be IVF.

I get a free doctor’s visit every 4 tries, but she thought it made sense to wait until after this next (5th) cycle to get the most out of the visit. She is going to check whether I get a free FA counseling session as well, or if that is just for patients not doing donor insemination. Shouldn’t make too much difference for me, as I have a weekly counseling session anyway (not with FA – just a general one), but it would be useful talking to someone who deals with this sort of thing all day every day if I can.

Next cycle is my last chance to get pregnant before my 37th birthday. At least with every try the stats are improving. If you go pure maths anyway. But the chances of falling pregnant are highest in the first month, apparently, so my maths is probably off.

I have been spotting for the last 4 days (including today as a full day). But only very lightly, and it is watery brown in colour. In the past, spotting has not lasted this long before my period started, and generally includes some red in the day before. On the other hand, implantation bleeding would have (most likely) started earlier (day 6-12 post ovulation is usual, mine started day 11), and not lasted as long (usually <2 days at the most – can even only be a single hour), and is not very common (only 30% of pregnant women get it).  So I did start doubting when that started, but yeah. The fact that every other try my period has started 1-3 days before the blood test gave me hope.

Money-wise, I have plenty for now, but if IVF is necessary after the next cycle I might have to wait a month or two before starting, so I can afford it (it was around $12,000 last I checked) – of course, it will probably be that long anyway, what with the doctor’s appointment being required, so there goes one cycle – and Christmas will be coming up then, and I don’t know how early they close up shop during that time.

Sorry if this is more chop-changey, stream-of-consciousness than usual – not really with it right now, and I just wanted to get it done so I can go for a walk to get my clomiphene prescription.

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